Sunday, 17^th October 2004 | 11:04 PM
Downward spiralling of my outlook

I'm really blocked this weekend. Can't think of a single thing to write. Basically I've been doing lots of nothing, considering tomorrow we're entering Day 4 of Ramadan and while fasting generally all your body operations slows down. At least that's what it feels like for me.

I suppose I'm reducing my points with the Lord this month, but I have nothing but pity for Britney. She's on a slippery downhill slope, and looking at her reminds me time and again that Photoshop is a miracle to be hailed. I should remember that the next time I look at a magazine and think that girl's body is something to be emulated.

I mean yes, I do know that usually. But time and again I need to be reminded.

I'm bit depressed this weekend because all I got in the mail was a slew of bills and loan deduction payments, and I'm living in fear that I might not make my study loan instalment repayment again this month. And next month is Hari Raya... so... ohh boy. It makes me wonder how my parents can raise four kids with their salaries, while I wonder where my money's been each month.

I read this in a local online forum yesterday: that it's not that expensive to live in Singapore, but it's expensive to enjoy life in Singapore. That's very much a realist interpretation of life here in Singapore. Slowly and slowly I'm reading less and less of the local news from the media, but I'm turning to online blogs to gauge a true sense of what life is like for everyone here. Like, as far as I know, maybe this nation is a nation of whiners (we may whine but as God knows all of us work our asses off), but the only people whom I hear about being 'upbeat' about the bloody economy? Is the government itself. Pompous asses.

Over the last weekend I've also began to understand now why so many of my peers are content to just join the civil service after graduating. No other employer pays as much salary to a fresh graduate when compared to the civil service. People complain that the rate of annual wage increment is slow in the civil service, and the job isn't challenging and is stressful - but when the economy isn't doing too well, pushing paper and pencil for high pay and good (on-paper) perks makes up for all the work-related crap you know. Maybe that's just my viewpoint. Me. The person who's sick and tired that all the money she earns at the end of the month goes to paying off debt, paying bills and survival stuff like food and transport.

That's not living.

And I'm sick and tired of commuting so far to and from work, but not being able to afford a car here because of the high costs. And gazing through luxury houses which have porches and more than 1 car per family to and from my way to work, as I sit in the bus.

Life isn't fair. And I probably have issues too... this resentment I have against people who are well-off. Maybe it's just jealousy.

I was also just thinking that I have been drifting apart from my religion, and that this Ramadan will be a good time for me to get closer with it. Maybe it will quell my unhappy thoughts and other relentless dissatisfaction. It won't make it all go away, but it'll help me feel better. It'll help me feel that I'm but a tiny, tiny, tiny part of God's universe, and that my problems, no matter how shitty, crappy and depressing they are, just might be equally tiny, tiny, tiny.

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